Dedicated to my good friend, Juan Cardona,
who loves Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
My doctor put me on a diet
and you would be so proud of me.
I’m beginning to eat sensibly
rather than everything I see.
I gave up the cream filled donuts,
sacrificed the candy bars.
I eat popcorn without butter
and look for “sugar free” on all jars.
All my milk is only one percent
and it isn’t even white.
It’s better to go to bed early
than stay up and snack at night.
I use to look a lot like Buddha
and I want to look like Popeye.
So I ought to eat my spinach
But I can’t force myself to try.
I am juicing lots of veggies
and I now eat whole wheat bread.
I gave up all the fried foods
and I’m baking things instead.
I am drinking so much water
The bath tub is where I sleep.
Some times when standing at the frig
my wife has heard me weep.
I now eat turkey hot dogs
but I’m not allowed to eat the bun.
Watching other people enjoy dessert
is not a lot of fun.
Life offers little happiness
and not a lot of joy,
when other folks are feasting
and your meal is made of soy.
I have juiced so many carrots
that my skin is orange and rough.
Since I chew pieces of raw garlic
Jeannie isn’t kissing me enough.
I’m loosing weight so rapidly
my clothes now hang on me.
I will have to use suspenders
or embarrassed we all might be.
I said “No thanks” so many times
to food loaded with calories.
And the people at McDonalds
don’t even remember me.
It’s really quite amazing
at my success since I’ve begun.
But tonight I sinned against my body
because Ben and Jerry won.
~ Dave
